Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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