sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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