Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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