my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
please come you make the beer taste better
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
