you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
