I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
