my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
