Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
