I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
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YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
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I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
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