Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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