I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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