Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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