i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
