Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I still have a little drunk in my system
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
