Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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