I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Randomize
