roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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