MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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