hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
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