haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
