i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
