If that was your dad, he is hot
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
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