There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
