you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
