I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
