my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
