Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
