so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
