What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Randomize
