Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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