You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
