Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize