Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
