Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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