We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
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