I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
