census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
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so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
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I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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