nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
