sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
