No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
