I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
