is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
