Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
my phone needs a breathalizer
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
