its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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