I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
