when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
