i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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