and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
