I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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