he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
