I'm lost and stupid without you.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
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