OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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