so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
