I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
