Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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