I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
