I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
