I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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